Choosing A Marriage Partner In Today's World

 

I have received many requests from younger readers to write a post on finding a marriage partner as a young Traditionalist in the Great Apostasy. Many are both confused as to what to look for in today's society, and worried about getting into a bad marriage. Who can blame them? Our Lady of Fatima is credited as saying, "Many marriages are not good; they do not please Our Lord and are not of God." I believe it, and she said that in 1917! The fact that many marriages are not good are borne out by these frightening statistics: 

In the United States, between 35%-50% of first-time marriages end in divorce, increasing to approximately 60% for second marriages (sic)  and 70% for marriages (sic) after the second. This gives the US one of the highest divorce rates in the world. Divorces can be emotionally and financially difficult, and can greatly impact not only the divorcees but also their children...the overall rates of both marriage and divorce are decreasing in the US. This trend is the result of multiple factors, but one of the most prominent is a tendency for Millennials to wait longer before entering into marriage, or simply forgo marriage altogether in favor of cohabitation. (i.e. shacking up and glorifying fornication). 

(See worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/divorce-rate-by-state).

Also of interest was that men and women of deeply held religious beliefs were 14% less likely to divorce than all other couples. In my 20s, I asked Fr. DePauw about the married vocation. This post is a compilation of my notes and exchange of letters on the topic with Father.  I hope this information will serve as a source of general principles for discerning matrimony.

Marriage is a Vocation

Never forget that it has always been taught by the Church that there are four vocations given to humanity by God. The word "vocation" comes from the Latin "vocare" meaning "to call or summon." Each of us is summoned by God to sanctify both ourselves and the world in one of four callings: the priesthood (for men only); the religious life (nuns, brothers, monks);the married life; and the single life. Marriage is therefore both a vocation and a sacrament. It must be entered into, like any vocation, intelligently and after prayerful consideration. The most important thing you can do is to pray often . 

Always be resigned to God's Will for you. In addition to praying for a particular vocation, it is wise to pray that God will guide you to where He wants you to be. Although you may desire marriage, it may be God's Holy Will that you remain in the single vocation or consider the religious vocation (nun, brother, monk) or priesthood. The following are some reasons NOT to get married. Be honest with yourself-- if any of these  reasons are your motivation for marriage, it is not your vocation:

• All (or almost all) of my friends/family are married, so I should get married too

• My parents want me to get married

• I don't like being alone

• People will think I'm strange or a sodomite if I don't get married by a certain age

• A woman's "biological clock is ticking" and she decides she would like to have a child, so marry someone

• You are afraid your boyfriend or girlfriend will leave you and you won't find anyone else, so marry them

• You want to experience sex without sinning

In addition, there are several character traits that you should not possess if you want to enter the married state in life.

Do not seek marriage if:

1. You are self-centered and not willing to enter a vocation where sacrifices for your spouse and children are frequently necessary.

2. You are easily offended and hold grudges. This attitude will take a terrible toll on your spouse, your children, and you. 

3. Your career comes first, and you will place advancement in that career ahead of your spouse and children.

4. You have an unresolved serious vice, such as porn addiction, drinking too much, using recreational drugs, or gambling. 

Your primary motivation for getting married should be to procreate and grow the Body of Christ on Earth, and to help your spouse and children reach Heaven.

What to Look for in a Potential Spouse

A potential spouse should ideally be a member of the One True Church. The Church has always discouraged Mixed Marriages (between a Catholic and a validly baptized heretic or schismatic), and marriage where there is Disparity of Cult (between a Catholic and someone unbaptized; pagans, Jews, Mohammedans, etc). The Church will only marry such couples if the promises are signed as per Canon Law which require the non-Catholic party to promise (a) not to try and convert the Catholic party, or prevent their practice of the faith, and (b) all children of the union, both natural born and/or adopted must be baptized and raised exclusively in the One True Church. (See Canons 1060-1064, and Canons 1070-1071). 

In this time of Great Apostasy, most Traditionalist clergy I know are more willing to allow for such marriages since the pool of  available Traditionalists is low, compared to finding a true Catholic pre-Vatican II. Nevertheless, one must be extra vigilant that any potential spouse is clearly open to the True Faith. He/she must be willing to sign the promises and get married before a Traditionalist priest. Furthermore, he/she should want to accompany you to Mass and enjoy learning about the Church. This is of paramount importance. If the Faith is not respected and admired, don't think of that person as someone to be involved with and contemplate marriage. 

General Characteristics

A man or woman is marriageable if you (a) have a true friendship and (b) are attracted to the person physically for who they are as a person.

(A) True Friendship

This is a close and platonic bond. Think of your best friend. He/she should be like that. You appreciate your best friend as someone who is loyal, agreeable, helpful, kind, and inspiring. Your potential spouse should be like this too. You will sometimes hear a happily married person say, "I married my best friend." That's why the union is happy and successful. You should have some common interests as well as a basic common worldview. Someone who sees nothing wrong with abortion, sodomites, and trans-perverts is so removed from the Traditionalist Catholic perspective you should not consider  him/her as spouse material. 

(B) Personal Sex Attraction

There must be some physical attraction between potential spouses, but personal sex attraction is more and better than mere sexual attraction. It is attraction to the whole person, such that you want to be with that person and only that person. A person who is so attracted wants complete possession of his/her beloved. The mere thought of the other person feeling something for another makes for feelings of jealousy. A person thus attracted wants the same response from his beloved, the complete monopoly of his/her affections, because you want no one else.

When both true friendship and personal sex attraction are present, you have true love.

Moral Qualifications

Rather than list such qualifications, ask yourself these questions in regard to the person you are considering for a spouse. For sake of brevity, "he" will be used to signify a person of either gender.

• Would this marriage with him help me to avoid sin and sanctify my soul leading to my salvation?

• Does he make you want to be a better person and bring out the best in you?

• Are you morally better or worse because of the time spent with him?

• Would he be virtuous enough to remain faithful to his marriage vows no matter what misfortune may overtake you, such as illness or poverty?

• Can/does he control his temper?

• What are his moral views and view of Traditionalist Catholicism (sedevacantism)?

Agreement

Additional questions to ask yourself:

• Is there a reasonable degree of similarity in your views on money, recreation, work, interests, and hobbies?

• Are there habits he has which you can't overlook and bother you?

• Can you live in peace with each other's family members?

• Are his friends good people?

• Do you feel at ease together?

• Can you be yourself with him?

• Is he loyal and you never have to question that he might commit adultery?

Specific questions regarding a potential wife:

• Does she love children and see motherhood as greater than a career?

• Does she reject feminism?

Specific questions regarding a potential husband:

• Does he love children?

• Can he hold down a respectable, honest job and make a decent income for a family man?

• Is he responsible? 

A Personal View

(This section is comprised of  my personal reflections and experiences as a Traditionalist who married later in life.

A reader once asked me about my personal views/experiences and I reproduce much of that private email I sent to him here. What I said about women applies equally to men. You may accept or disregard my opinions, as they are mine as a simple layman.---Introibo). 

Let me be the first to tell you some somber news: there are not many women who would make good wives. In today's neo-pagan world, it is very hard to meet someone. I did feel that I was to remain in the single vocation for life because of that very reason. If it was God's Will, then so be it. I always avoided bars and clubs because the odds of finding a quality person in such a pagan atmosphere is slim. I dated a lot until I met my future wife. Most dates came from "Christian Dating Websites," singles events, and (occasionally) set-ups from friends. I always made it a rule never to date someone with whom I work; if it goes south, you need to face them everyday--not good. 

Most of my dates were "one-date wonders." The reason? Let me list them (and the list is not exhaustive):

• They lied about themselves online and when we spoke on the phone. Automatic "good bye" from me. Things lied about included their physical looks (some used pictures of another woman), occupation, level of education, and even age. When I was in my late 30s, a woman online claimed to be 40, wanted children, and everything else seemed good, so I agreed to a date for dinner. She was twenty-four (24) years older than me.  (Used pics from over 20 years earlier). The only children she would be having would be via Divine Intervention. It was such an egregious lie, it is one of the few times I actually said goodbye as soon as I met the lady and didn't politely have dinner.

•  Many told me on the date that they have children out of wedlock and see nothing wrong with raising children like that while sleeping around

• Some made it clear they did not want children

• Some were into occult practices (use of Ouija boards, yoga before statues of Hindu "gods," Reiki, etc.) They were ALL members of the Vatican II sect

• Some had serious psychological problems. One woman was calling me over a dozen times a day after ONE date, and wanted to know "when we could move in together."  I had to threaten a restraining order to get her to leave me alone

• One woman who seemed really nice was with me on our second date when I saw two men with dark glasses frequently looking at our table in the restaurant. I saw one had a gun on him. I whispered to her not to be nervous, I would tell the waiter to call the police. She said not to worry, they were two FBI agents. I asked her why the FBI was following us on a date. She explained her ex-boyfriend was a drug lord and she turned State's evidence against him. I told her we would finish dinner, I would pay (of course) and she would leave with the FBI--good luck, but I will not be killed by some criminal out for revenge. Now if the FBI was there, it would probably be to get me as "Enemy #1" on their list of "Most Wanted Traditionalists." 

Remember, this was AFTER I eliminated considering anyone because they were: divorced or had a phony annulment, were openly anti-Catholic (and on "Christian/Catholic" sites), were too old/young, not at all attractive to me (there must be some attraction), were not educated, and those who openly stated they didn't want kids and/or marriage. So after over 90% were eliminated, what I wrote about above was what I was meeting. 

I will share the four lessons I learned through all of this madness:

 Lesson 1: Go for 100% of what you want, don't settle, and keep your eyes open at all times

Lesson 2: You can find someone who has everything right, but is still not right for YOU. There may be insurmountable personality conflicts.

Lesson 3: Discuss what's important early in the relationship. If they don't give an enthusiastic answer you want, end it.  Otherwise, you waste your time.

Lesson 4 (most important): Never date anyone in the Vatican II sect unless they don't practice, and never get involved with anyone who is not genuinely open to Traditionalist Catholicism and conversion. 

Conclusion

I hope this post was helpful to my readers who are considering marriage as their vocation. Please let me know in the comments what you thought or if there is anything else I could add. I will end with two important prayers, one for everyone discerning a vocation, and one for those who feel called to the married vocation.

For all seeking to know their vocation:

God of Wisdom and of Counsel, Thou see in my heart a sincere desire to please Thee alone and to conform myself entirely to Thy Holy Will in the choice of my state in life. Grant me, I humbly implore Thee, by the intercession of the Blessed Virgin, my Mother and my holy Patrons, the grace to know what state in life I should choose and to embrace it when known, in order that thus I may seek Thy glory and increase it, work out my own salvation, and deserve the heavenly reward which Thou hast promised to those who do Thy Holy Will. Amen. (See in modern English online here:ourcatholicprayers.com/prayers-to-choose-a-vocation.html). 

For those discerning marriage:

Immaculate Virgin Mary, Mother of God, and my hope! I beseech thee to help me find a spouse, if Holy Matrimony is God's Will for me. Lead me to a (man/woman) who is devout and holy, so that we may raise a truly Catholic family. May we be good to each other, and help each other, not only in temporal needs, but to assist each other and our children to obtain true holiness and eternal life with thee and thy Divine Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.